Holding On To The Light

I love autumn, I really do.  I love the cool evenings, the morning mist over the fields, the honking geese and the open views now that the corn has been harvested.  I love leggings and hot drinks, soups, stews and warm biscuits.  But I am mourning the passing of the after dinner light. I will miss my after dinner bike rides and walks along our country road.  I was hyper aware of that as I set out down the road tonight.

The mama, papa and baby water buffaloes came out to tell me they feel the same.  And they were joined by all the critters in the hood.

It didn't take me long to figure out that my 5 km walk wasn't going to happen tonight.  The light faded quickly as I rounded the curve and headed over the hill.  Those fuzzy black/orange caterpillars were everywhere running to and fro.  The fro's were going to and the to's were going fro.  I often wonder what they think is on the other side of the road.

The crows have been busy! There are crushed walnut shells and horse chestnut carcasses all along the roadside mixed in with the dropping leaves, skittering across the road, stirred up by even the smallest of breezes. Snakes are on the move as well as can be evidenced by the flattened leftovers of the ones that didn't quite make it.  Slugs are just venturing out from the roadside, thinking they can make the big crossing when the evening dew shows up. There is still the scent of fallen, rotting apples when the wind comes from the right direction.

The colours are beautiful. The air is cool.  The sky is full of pinks and purples. We can see all across the valley.  In the background, even as the light fades, the farmers are at work and I get passed by tractors pulling flatbeds full of giant marshmallows.  Fall is here, I just hope it stays for a while!

 

Summer Gathering

We've been very careful during these covid times, especially since I got sick in May.  We missed a lot of landmark birthdays and have not spent the time together that we normally spend during the summer months. 

This past Saturday we decided to celebrate all 11 birthdays (we missed a #47), all together, in as safe a way as possible.  It seemed especially important as four of those birthdays were big ones (40, 40, 50 and 16). The families that stayed overnight camped in the back yard and all celebrations were held outside.  We have all been careful in our own little bubbles and felt safe spending the day in each others' company.  What fun we had!  It becomes even more important to us when we know that the kids and many of the adults will be returning to school in two weeks.  We feel nervous about what this will look like for our family as the kids and the teachers in our family will expand their bubbles significantly.  We do not anticipate another family gathering in the near future.

 

It was a beautiful sunny day and out came the bocci, ping pong, darts, spike ball, basketball hoop and baseball & tees, and of course the trampoline and new playground set Grampa just built.  There was a lot of playing, a lot of laying around, a lot of eating and a lot of laughing. The kids range from 2 - 16 and they all get along so well, bigs helping littles everywhere we looked.

From noon until the last ember died from the fire our yard was filled with all of the people and fun it was meant for.  When we bought this small home and large yard, this was exactly how we envisioned it all happening.  Our hearts could not have been more full.  The fire (and Bailey's) was the perfect ending to a long and happy day.  We could hear the giggles in the tents as the kids fought sleep.  Stories were told and stories were made.  This is what family is all about.  We will talk for years to come about the summer of 2020 when we celebrated all of the February - August birthdays in Gramma's and Grampa's back yard.

 

A Perfect Summer Evening

Some days, for whatever reason, seem more perfect than others.

Today was one of those days.  It was a perfect summer day

followed by a perfect summer evening.

As I headed out the door for my evening stroll it was still, so still.

And quiet.

Except for the laughter from the neighbour's children

dancing across the corn tassels in the field that separates us.

Barn swallows gather on the lines above

as they take a break from

darting and diving.

I am grateful for

every mosquito and fly they eat.

Our neighbourhood is full of fields

which are in turn are full of corn and hazelnuts.

Blackberries grow wild along the road and local 

fruit trees are dropping their loads to the ground below.

We are in bear country and it is the time of night

we often see them out and about.

All of my senses are alive.

The bear scat outside of our driveway

reminds me to stay alert.

The transparents I can hear thumping down from

this loaded tree are one more reminder.

I make my way down the long and winding road.

There are a half a dozen homes spread out

with room for children to run

and crops to grow.

Enough space for a person (and Mother Nature)

to just breathe.

As I round this corner I come

to the only hill in town

It beckons me, but my body is not ready.

Maybe next week, my friend.

As I turn around and head home

my heart is full.

I have stopped counting telephone poles

and have taken my camera off the shelf.

The sun is still warm on my back

 I am emotional, and grateful for the gift

of this perfect summer day.

Small Blessings - and some luck.

If I had been on a back road with Thelma or in the hills of Italy things may have turned out quite differently.  I am not a religious person, but I am a spiritual one and if you could all thank the 'Creator' you recognize in your life for having me at home, with my husband, when my esophagus ruptured, that would be wonderful.  Who even knew that could happen?  I don't remember anything about the time at home. 

I 'woke' up at Surrey Memorial Hospital on the evening of May 19th having been rerouted from Chilliwack and then Royal Columbian to the thoracic unit here in Surrey Memorial.  I remain at Surrey Memorial, making progress each day but with no hopes of going home just yet.

I cannot begin to tell you all (with tears flowing) how many people have been involved in keeping my journey here on earth just a little longer.  The nursing staff here is BEYOND anything you could imagine; challenging and supporting in just the right balance.  For me, this balance has been crucial. 

Someone takes my blood work every morning - I know there is a team behind this individual.  X-ray every day - another team. CAT scans regularly - a separate team.  The porters that run me back and forth are kind and gentle and again, work as a team.  Housekeeping, bedding, Medications, and others whose faces I have not seen but I know are working behind the scenes.  I count my guardian angels in the 100s, and that is just for me, in a hospital full of many.

These hospital times are made more challenging by not being able to have your family with you to support. you along the way but, if you know my family, you know they have overcome.  I feel their strength and love wrapped around me every minute of every day.  They are not in the building but their love is pulling me through.  I can't wait to hug you all!

I have no expected release date but am hoping for the next week or so.

Thank you all for your kind words of support- they really do mean EVERYTHING! Thank you for your thoughts and prayers.  I am still not strong enough to get back to everyone so please don't be offended if you don't hear directly from me.

Missing you all and looking forward to coming home, but mostly I am counting my blessings!

Do You Notice?

Do you notice

a billowy cloud 

rising in the skies above

shaped like a heart

as the breeze pushes the sky around

Do you notice

the smell of lavender

as you move your plants

in your spring garden

planning and rearranging as you go?

Do you notice

all the shades of green

as spring tightens

its hold on the land

and blossoms form on every tree?

Do you notice

the beans pushing the dirt

out of their way

as they climb out of the ground

reaching upwards uncurling as they go?

Do you notice

the rustling movements

as the light breezes

move everything in sight

Trees and flowers dancing together?

I try to notice

all of the everyday beauty

that is outside of my window

and in the fields around our home

Do you?

A Glimpse of a Younger Me

I was enjoying an after dinner bike ride one sunny evening last week.  I took Thelma as I needed room for my camera and it was my second ride of the day so speed was not on my mind.  I pedalled through the back roads of our small town trying to keep the bugs out of my teeth and the stench of freshly manured fields out of my nostrils.

I have a regular route I like to pedal as it's all quiet backroads with little traffic.  I rounded the corner heading towards the golf course as usual.  Up ahead of me was a father and his two young children.  He was moving slowly watching the two kids up ahead and just enjoying the views and an evening stroll.  I moved to the left side of the road to give them all some space and soon I passed the little boy as well.  As I moved closer to the older sister she cut in front of me, trying her best to run over the pine cones on the road.  We avoided a collision, both of us smiling at her determined attempts to hit the targets.  My kind of girl.  I pedalled by her and was surprised as I could hear her coming up behind me.

This section of road is not a long one and I was getting close to the right turn as she inched closer and closer.  I could see that the race was on.

Without saying a word, and with only a quick glance back, I knew I was in a race.  She bent over her handle bars and pumped her little legs faster and faster as she pulled up closer.  I smiled and pedalled a little quicker - as did she.  We were getting a ways ahead of her dad and brother so I slowed just enough to let her pull even.  She smiled at me, picked up speed and pulled ahead.  As soon as her back wheel passed my front end she pulled over to the side, waited for me to pass and turned her bike around heading back towards her dad and brother.  I gave her a wink and a nod as she rode away.  She looked at me with victory shining all over her face.

I don't even know this girl but I love her.  I love her competitive spirit.  I love that she needed to win. I love that I saw a glimpse of my younger self for just a moment on a back road in our wee town on a warm spring evening.

Where did 47 years go?

We met in the gym and never looked back.  We didn't know then how much time we would be spending in gyms in the coming years. We just knew we loved playing the game and it didn't take us long to figure out that we also loved each other.

When you choose your life partner at seventeen there is so much about life that you have no idea about.  You don't think about how you want to raise your children, how you want to do your finances and where and how you want to live.  You just know you love being around each other, that you can make each other laugh and that you are heading down the same path in life.  The laughter was really important, it has probably saved our relationship on more than one occasion.

He went off to university and I went off to work.  In spite of so much time apart we remained together and that is how we have stayed -together. After his first year of university, we married.  47 years ago today we became life partners.  Yes, life partners.  In spite of the ups and downs (and there have been plenty of both) we knew we were in it for forever. 

May 12, 1973

It seems we went from two to six to more in the wink of an eye.  When you choose your own life partner, make sure he has a sense of humour, a kind and gentle heart, a love of family and the dedication to stick by you through thick and thin.  I couldn't imagine having gone through this life without this wonderful man by side.  Here's to another 47 years of craziness!  Happy Anniversary, Bob!

Learning to Learn - For Life

I started 2020 with a goal of 'making a lot of mistakes'.  I wanted to try new things while having some adventures along the way.  The early part of the year involved pottery lessons, an encaustic class, a journal retreat, a Coast Salish weaving class, Zentangle and macrame.  Alongside formal classes I was learning to play with these new skills at home.  Trust me, I made a LOT of mistakes.  I also learned a lot about how I learn.

  

I don't mind making mistakes.  Especially if I am in a group of people who are also making mistakes. I am considerably less patient when I am the slow learner!  Learning has always been fairly easy for me, especially when it involves things I am interested in.  With learning so many new things in a short time at the start of the year I was exposed to a lot of new skills.  I was honestly surprised at my impatience with myself if I felt like I was falling behind the rest of the class.  I was MOST frustrated when the instructor did not bail me out immediately!  When I had to sit and wait, while others moved on, I became incredibly impatient, sometimes to the point of agitation.  It was so good for me to learn to breathe, to be patient, to try to figure it out myself while I waited and to know that learning isn't always easy.  I practiced all of these stategies and, trust me, they took PRACTICE!  I have still not mastered these strategies but I am better and getting better all the time.

Then came Covid-19.  I had signed up for a photography class that focussed on architecture.  Two days in downtown Chilliwack that I was really looking forward to.  I also signed up for a long distance cycling condo that would have been my first large group ride.  I was most disappointed in this one as it was my 'motivator' and my 'big adventure' for the early part of this year.  My new road bike will just have to wait for its inaugural race.

An Unsettled Day

Not going to lie, folks.  Today I am feeling unsettled.  I generally have lots of energy and enjoy many activities that usually make me feel like there are not enough hours in the day for all I want to do. Today is different.

The times are different.  We are different.  And, I guess that's what prompts me to write today.  With all of the social media access out there and all of the time we spend on our devices, there aren't too many times where we see less than people's best.  Today, I am not at my best and I felt like maybe there were others out there who needed to hear they are not alone in that feeling.

Through most of the last couple of weeks I have actually enjoyed the quietness of our lives.  Even though we are retired, we are busy.  I am busy.  Creativity has filled the hours and there has been time for quiet contemplation.  You might not guess it, but I am a fairly contemplative person who needs alone time to ponder life on a pretty regular basis. I have stayed away from too much news and too much information.  I have deleted posts and messages that don't serve my need for peace right now.  I have been very selective about what I allow into my world.  So, I have not minded being home (other than not seeing our family who we miss terribly).

I know that going back to teaching this week has sapped a lot of my energy.  Zoom meetings are a wonderful way to get together but most people in education this week have had to face a variety of responses from those they work with, from their school boards, from the district and from the general public.  Reactions from my colleagues have been varied; some are quiet, some are vocal, some are anxious and some are downright eager to the point of working well into the night. I am happy and ready to work but my mindset has shifted from unusually quiet to full-tilt and I have to consciously slow things down for my own peace of mind.

I am taking care of myself and sometimes that looks like baking and sometimes it's art, watching a movie, looking at pictures, joining a photography challenge, writing notes to the kiddies or just sitting, quietly sitting.  I force myself away from thinking about the state of the world, how much school stuff I want to get done and sometimes even away from making art and going on bike rides.  What I am saying is that being still at this moment is taking a conscious effort where yesterday it didn't and  that I need to honour what my heart is telling me.

I know this will go away, probably by tomorrow, but today I needed 'to just be'.  I am hoping you are honouring what your inner voice is telling you and doing what is best for. you.  I am thinking of you all during these challenging times knowing that what brings peace will be different for each of you.  Take care of yourselves, listen to that inner voice and stay safe. 

Thelma and Louise - taking to the road

  

Meet Thelma and Louise. 

Thelma has been with me for several years now and we have a comfortable relationship.  We have seen a lot of things together and have gone through many ups and downs along the way. Thelma has a comfortable seat and shock absorbers which makes her a superstar on the beat up back roads where we live. Her low crossbar is ideal for those of us who can't lift their legs as high as they used to.  I can sit up a little straighter and this allows my gaze to wander.  When I go out on Thelma we generally go at a slower pace.  She has a rat trap, saddle bags and a handlebar bag, lots of room for carrying groceries, snacks, Kleenex and of course, my camera.  She likes STOP signs as they are always an opportunity to have a drink, to look at all that is around us and to just generally stop and smell the roses.  We travel on gravel paths, paved roads and everything in between.  She loves our country roads but has just as much fun cruising around Stanley Park and is at her best when we attach her to the back of the truck and hit the road.  Thelma loves selfies and is oh-so-patient when I am in a picture-taking mood.

Louise is the new ride in town.  We are still getting to know each other.  She pushes me beyond my comfort zone (in every sense of the word :) ). When we get to a stop sign she yells at me to pick it up, there's no time for slacking.  She has no interest in the scenery around her and this is obvious from her design.  Head down low and legs a-pumping.  Louise is all about covering ground as she can feel that extra load on her oh-so-hard seat and notices the folds in her bent over rider.  She wants me to fly over the bumps as quickly as I can because she is not built for these pot-holy back roads.  Every bump jars her frame and runs up my tailbone through to my shoulders.  Speaking of shoulders. . . she's letting me know that they need some work.  Thelma might be okay with me sitting up and taking it easy but Louise is bent on getting me into shape.  As I said earlier, we are still feeling our way around each other.  I bought Louise as I wanted to do a larger group ride later this year.  Thelma does not qualify for road riding - she is built for a slower pace so Louise and I are spending some time getting me into shape.  She won't tolerate stops for photo ops and has no place to store a camera so you won't see her often and she is okay with that.

Thelma and Louise are keeping my life in perfect balance.  Thelma appeals to that slower, more creative side that is in me but I have to say, Louise is rekindling some of that competitive spirit that is buried (okay, not too deeply) within me.  It didn't take much for her to bring it to the surface.  Can't wait to see where we go together.

Here's to the Pack

"To every girl coming up in the Pack with a dream to do something that doesn't yet even exist: We believe in you to accomplish what we can't even yet imagine.  Your Pack is with you.  And history awaits you."  ~Abby Wambach

On February 2, 2020, Tim Busse, brother-in-law of my long time friend and outstanding athlete, Marj Busse, reposted Abby Wambach's congratulations to Christine Sinclair on her record-breaking goal.  No small achievement for this Canadian athlete who set a new record for the most goals in international women's soccer.

There were so many things I loved about this post. First, I love that it was posted by a guy! I also love that Tim tagged his wife, his sisters and his mother and that Marj was a part of this.  These are all strong women who obviously live with men who are not intimidated by their strength. These women, especially his sisters and mother, grew up in a time when women's sport wasn't always embraced by society in general.  And, of course, those of us growing up in the day heard the phrase, "You throw like a girl!" more than once - and it wasn't used as a compliment.

When I think of growing up I am so grateful for having a father who not only allowed me (yes, 'allowed' - I had friends whose parents did not let them participate in 'vigorous' sports) but actively encouraged and supported me.  My dad was my first coach.  I remember our first softball practices when we were around 6 & 7 years old and didn't want to wear our gloves on our left hand.  We never really used this hand for anything and so couldn't imagine ever actually catching a ball with it.  My dad wasn't always patient, but on the ball field with a bunch of little girls, he was amazing.  I am grateful for growing up with two brothers, one a year older and one a year younger, who allowed (yes, that word again) me to play sandlot ball, pick up football, hockey and other neighbourhood games the boys were playing.  I don't remember any other girls playing.  I thank them also for never giving me a break when I did play with them.  It was always an honour to be 'one of the guys'.  I don't ever remember anyone giving me a hard time growing up as a tomboy.  At least not until I was getting into my teens.  The boys at that stage of my life were more impressed with the make-up girls and the ones who wore bras and cheered them on from the sidelines than they were with the girls who could play (some of whom also wore make-up and bras!).

While all of this was fine and dandy there was one thing that irked me more than anything.  I grew up in an era when there were very few opportunities for girls/women to dream about playing the sports they loved as a career.  Yes, there was tennis and, to a lesser degree, golf but both of these sports required LOTS of $$$.  My brothers grew up dreaming about playing football and hockey. There were many 'game-winning' moments in our basement, on our driveway and in the neighbourhood sandlots for the boys.  I remember clearly how angry this made me at the time.  I had such a strong sense of this being so unfair! Somewhere along the way this began to change just a little. You will never know how much I love the women who paved the way for those women athletes who are household names today.  You will never know how much I love the women who honour each other and the successes of their own team-mates and rivals equally.

When I started playing softball I found my tribe, my pack.  There were many tribes along the way in many sports; softball, basketball, volleyball, golf, swimming and yes, even field hockey (for a game or two).  The girls I played with were my heroes.  I don't remember any competition amongst us.  I don't remember any arguments or criticism.  I only remember teamwork and friendship both on the court/field and off.

"Her victory is your victory," Wambach declares. "Celebrate with her."

Many of the women I grew up playing sports with are still playing strong.  Many of them have taken on new sports in their later years as well.  These are the women who inspire me daily.  I am not always a fan of the big name athletes and soccer isn't always my favourite sport, but WOW!  Christine Sinclair's accomplishments are creating a new world for little girls who will follow in her footsteps.  Abby Wambach has set a standard for celebration, not only for the little girls coming up but for the women who are playing at all levels right now.

To all the little girls in my world - your pack is waiting for you!

Happy International Women's Day to all the women out there, in sports and in life, who are paving the way for those who are watching all you do and say.

I Am Not A Winter Person

I am not a winter person.  I am a summer person.  At this time of year, the clouds hang low and most days they drop much of their load on us.  I don't like cold and rain and grey skies.  I find it hard to get motivated and just get up and get out the door.  Regular exercise is not part of my winter routine.  I live with my polar opposite.  He's up early and often out the door before I can pry my eyes open.  Today was one of those days.  I heard Bob get up and get the dog going (I think the dog's more my type :) ) for their early morning walk.  I pulled the covers up and settled in for that quiet, warm, comfortable feeling that you can only get with warm blankets on a cold, damp morning.  As I lay there letting my thoughts go to and fro I heard the door open and Bob rattling around looking for his biking clothes.  DANG!  That little bit of guilt started creeping into my head and there it sat.  I got up, put on my biking clothes, grabbed some gloves, earmuffs, an extra layer and my camera.  Bob had pumped up my tires (which hadn't had air in them for a couple of months now) so off I went.  Did I mention I'm not a morning person?  The cold air hit my face as I went out the door.  I got on to my bike and realized quickly my chain was off.  Off my bike, fix my chain, back on my bike.  A couple of rotations down the driveway and I knew something was wrong.  Off my bike, get my kickstand out of my spokes, back on my bike and down the road.  Then the rain started.  I was rethinking this quick decision.  And then peace set it.  The rain stopped, everything was in sync and my legs found the rhythm.

As I came up over the top of Limbert Mountain I could hear the swans honking as they circled the waterlogged cornfields looking for a place to settle.  They are so beautiful against the dark skies and move elegantly as they land and take off, over and over again.  I learned this morning (thanks Google) that a group of swans is often known as a ballet.  So perfect for what was going on in the fields today - a ballet!  I rounded the corner by Peterson's farm and headed for the railway tracks.  It doesn't matter how many times I ride this route I cannot get used to being chased by dogs.  Just before the tracks there are 3-4 smallish black and white dogs that head towards me from a farmhouse set back off the road quite a ways.  I am astounded by how fast they move, how much they bark and how quickly they get to me even when I pick up the speed.  I know they are going to stop as soon as I get off my bike, but my body is never sure and my heart rate and anxiety levels are always up as I cross the tracks.

Today was a morning of sights and sounds.  Right after I took this shot I got back on my bike and headed for the highway.  About 50 feet in front of me a large coyote watched from the left side of the road.  He must have gauged my slow pace as he crossed the road in front of me and headed into the field.  I have seen many coyotes on my bike rides and frankly, dogs scare me more.  This coyote however was different.  He crossed the road and then turned to watch me.  There have been reports of a hybrid critter in our neck of the woods.  Locals call them coy wolves.  There is mixed reaction to whether these actually exist or not but I have to say that this coyote was different.  His legs were much longer, his gait was different and I wonder if this is in fact was a coy wolf.  I got back on my bike and as soon as I headed off he took off into the hills.

Out to the highway, left past Oosterlaar's farm and right onto Sutherland Road.  On this stretch there are fields and fields of blueberry bushes.  They looked amazing up against the mountains with a halo of low clouds crowning them.

Down the road on the right side of the road are the cranberry fields.  They are covered in water and look dingy and gray and muddy.  The beauty of the red berries won't be seen until late summer.  For now they sit and wait for their moment to shine.

I stopped cursing Bob a couple of kilometres ago and now am thankful he was there to inspire me this morning.  It is cool and it is grey but there is beauty in the sights and sounds and feel of this cool January day that I would not have experienced if I hadn't lived with a morning person who loves this time of year.

I missed a picture of the little girl in the yellow coat and yellow rubber boots heading out to the chicken pen with her puppy trailing behind her but the image will stay with me.  The black cat sitting on the fencepost in front of the red barn, licking his feet will also stay with me.  Ducks and snow geese, barn pigeons and seagulls circled all around the empty fields full of mini lakes and yes, it was all a ballet. 

The next time I feel so cozy in my warm bed I will try to recall all that is out there waiting for me to soak up on a rainy day. Don't get me wrong.  I am looking forward to the warm sun of Sedona in March and I know there will be days where my bed wins out but for today I am thankful I was able to see the beauty that is out there if I can just get out the door.