Outside the daffodils and crocuses are pushing through the ground. The ones that have made it have their faces turned towards the morning sun. The trees that have not burst out in glorious spring colours are full of buds waiting for their turn. There is warmth in the sun that wasn’t there two weeks ago and our cars are coated in pollen. Life. Spring Life. It seems out of sync that my thoughts today are full of death.
Yesterday my younger sister wrapped up all of the loose ends of my mom and dad’s modest ‘estate’. She was responsible for taking care of all of the business surrounding their deaths. I do not envy her that task. Does it seem just a little strange to you (as it does to me) that it took a full nine months to clear up the dangling loose bits that floated around long after mom left us. Nine months for us to come into this world and nine months to remove all legal traces that we indeed were here.
My sister, who has always been the closest physically and emotionally with Mom and Dad must have let out a big exhale yesterday. I imagine, now that she has the time and energy, grief will reappear. It will have a different shape and feel than it did initially but it will be there, of that I am sure.
She spoke to me about how difficult it was that last day after cleaning out their apartment. There wasn’t a thing in that room that remained of my mom and dad and my sister said it felt like they had just vanished. But in my mind, the biggest reminder of their lives WAS there, my sister, their legacy. As long as we are all here Mom and Dad are still here. They will live on through the stories and memories that each of us will polish up and treasure just a little more than we did when making those memories. I feel fortunate that when I think of my mom and dad I think of that last visit with most of us together, everyone speaking at the same time, no one listening. Lots of BS and lots of laughter. That is what I will hang on to.
For me, my mom and dad have not been a daily part of my life since I left home at 18. We were not a family that communicated regularly and visits happened randomly every couple of years. We had a great time when we were together but that wasn’t often enough to call what we had a ‘relationship’. I loved my mom and dad and I am sure they loved me in their own way but their passing, like their lives, was a distant event. Dad passed quickly and unexpectedly and mom passed 19 months later. I feel blessed to have been able to be there with my brothers and my sister when mom went quietly into that good night.
When my grandmother passed away my mom said to me, “I guess we are next.” My sister said the same words to me yesterday. Yes, that is how the circle of life works. Death is not a taboo subject for me. I am pragmatic about it, like my dad was. He had two responses later in life that I liked. When he met friends in the grocery store (my dad knew EVERYONE) and they asked him how he was doing, he said, “Well, I’m not buying any green bananas.” And when asked if he wanted to go for coffee the next day, his typical response was, “Well, give me a call in the morning, if I’m still here we’ll go for coffee I don’t make plans any more, just live each day as it comes.” I like that philosophy. So many of us make plans for down the road and sometimes the road just isn’t that long. As I have now stepped into the generation ‘whose turn is ‘next’ I really try to live each day, just one at a time. I do make plans for the future but there is an awareness now around making those plans that didn’t exist a few years ago. I do not wait for death but I am also not afraid of its presence in my life. In some ways I feel my mom and dad are reminding me that time is no longer infinite in a way it was in my younger years.
The circle of life goes on.
