Sisters

My sister and I have always been different, right from the start.  But let me begin there.

For the first few years of my life I was a middle child.  More than that I was a girl between two boys.  I grew up tough, learned to look up to my big brother and look after my little one.  This went on for a few years and then lo and behold, I was no longer the middle child nor the only girl.

I don't remember much of my mother's pregnancy (other than she almost doubled her weight).  What I do remember is the day she brought home my little sister.  I was mesmerized by how tiny she was and I clearly remember bringing out my 'walking doll' Annie and measuring her up against my sister over and over again.  It just didn't seem right to me that my doll was bigger than my sister.  She was born in May which was great because it wouldn't be long before summer holidays began and I could spend more time with her.  We grew up in a family where "I Love You's' and hugs and kisses were never heard or felt.  I think we were loved, at least I never thought I wasn't but I also don't remember anyone ever treating me in a tender and loving way.  I must have thought it should be different because I clearly enjoyed holding and looking after our new little bundle.  For a few years I thought she was mine to take care of; holding her little pink fingers and doing whatever it took to make her smile.  I held her and I fed her and I took her into the room and closed the door when the fighting got too loud. 

My dad was a drinker and my mom was tired.  At some point my mom decided she had had enough and packed up my brothers and my sister in the middle of the night and moved us to another city. We moved from a house to an apartment and trust me, we were not kids meant to live in an apartment.  My mom found a babysitter for my little sister during the day while we were at school.  When we came home that babysitter treated us quite meanly.  I remember being told to get on my knees about a foot away from the wall and would spend long periods of time here.  I was never an angel but I don't remember what I did to deserve the punishment, I just remember my knees hurting and my back hurting.  But most of all, I remember her slapping my baby sister for crying.  I have always had a very strong sense of right and wrong and have never been afraid to speak up when wrong happens.  I  remember feeling so angry and helpless and afraid all at the same time but I spoke up.  I told my mom and that babysitter was gone.  My sister was safe again.

This really is the last time I remember being her 'protector'.  We moved back in with my dad at the end of the year and things moved on.  I was in school all day and my sister was with her babysitter (Mrs. Letawski).  When we got home from school we had chores to do, games to play and most of our time was spent outdoors.  My sister didn't come home until my mom or dad picked her up after they came home from work and we spent less and less time together.

As my sister grew up it became apparent that we were different personalities with different interests.  While we shared a room right from the beginning, as she grew she became tidier and I didn't.  While I cleaned my side of the room by throwing things under the bed and in the closet, she organized and straightened the way my mom intended.  It was a good thing there were no label makers in those days as I'm sure she (like my oldest daughter) would have had everything in our room labelled.  I remember how frustrated she was with having to share a room with such a slob and I clearly remember those days where my little sister drew a line down the middle of the room (just like my twins) and set the rules for who could be where and whose 'stuff' could would go where.

I was at an age where I swam and played ball and ran with the neighborhood boys.  I was an outside kid and had a hard time being 'still' and following all of the rules.  I wasn't bad, I just wasn't good.  My sister, on the other hand, was very rule-oriented (for the time being ;) and it was during this time that our lives became quite separate. 

We moved to Comox after grade 8.  I hated my parents for moving us.  Well, until I saw Comox.  Sports and being outside took up every spare minute of my time. I was in junior high and my sister was in elementary school.  During these years my older brother became closer with my sister as I became more distant.  She didn't seem to enjoy the things I enjoyed and with the age difference we didn't spend so much time together. 

When Bob and I started going out we did more with my sister than I had done in years.  I remember playing board games with her and one very memorable trip to the PNE (remember that roller coaster?).  During these years I went to school, played a lot of sports and worked.  I started to challenge my parents a little and really, I didn't come home until later in the evenings.  My brothers were also busier during these years and my sister spent a lot of time with my parents.

I married at 18 and those 10 years I had with my sister were gone in a flash.  In looking back I think how hard it must have been on her as both of my brothers and myself left home within 18 months of each other.  We all moved away and my sister was left alone, really as an only child.  When I look at her face in my wedding pictures, there weren't too many smiles.  I know when my son was born she had no interest in him at all.  Really, who could blame her?  Her world had changed in the blink of an eye.  Only when we're older do we understand how little control kids have over the worlds that they live in. With no technology like today and long distance calls being expensive we never really spoke much, my parents or my sister and I.  We had a few visits in those early days as she came to visit us in Gold River and Victoria.  All of those pictures are filled with smiles and I remember each time she left I felt sad.  When my parents got posted back to Alberta I had this great fear that I would never see any of them again and I felt very alone.  I was 20 with two children, no money and now, no family other than my own.  My sister seemed to grow closer and closer to my parents, especially my mom as my dad was often away.  In the  years since I have been gone from home my parents have called me 5 or 6 times.  I had no money to call them. I know my older brother has spoken often of the communication gaps in our family.  We've never been much at sharing our lives with each other. 

For me, part of this was that we were raised to be independent.  "You made your bed, now you can lie in it" was a mantra in my growing up years.  When I became pregnant at 18 my parents would have been (and in fact were) the last people we told.  My dad stated over and over that if I had any problems I wasn't to come running home.  My sister happened to be part of that world where I didn't feel I could turn to during those very challenging years and our relationship has never really recovered from it.

I always saw my sister as being more a child to my parents than my brothers and I ever were.  Their marriage was more solid (not solid, but more solid) in those years after the separation.  When my brothers and I left home there would certainly have been significantly more money, which had always been a problem.  I remember my sister camping and travelling around the island with my mom and dad.  I remember her being a comfort to my mom when my dad was away. 

As I look back now, at my own children growing up, I know that my mom and dad would have been much more conscious of the time they had left with my sister as she grew up.  They have played a big role in the lives of my sister's children and have stayed close together, living in nearby towns. 

When my sister asked me to write this blog I wondered why.  I am hoping it is because she would like a closer relationship with me.  I'm sure some of it has to do with knowing more about herself as she grew up.  I wonder as I read through this if it was what she was hoping for.  What I do know is that we all see the world through our own experiences and it's a tricky business sharing memories as they are never the same.  After a visit with my brother a few years ago he wondered if we had even grown up in the same house.  So Bev, if this leaves  you with questions or thoughts you want to talk about more, let me know.  From all I know of you I know that you are thoughtful, caring, sometimes insecure and that you love your family more than anything.  In the end, we're more alike than different :)  I love you!