Wondering. . .
The longer I experience life the more often I am set to wondering about life's twists and turns. Are we like dandelion fluff in the wind, going in whichever direction happens to catch us up as we leave the mother plant?
I read a lot of stories today of women who have overcome the most challenging starts in life and yet have found their way to happiness. I know a lot of women who had a good start in life and the challenges came later. I know many women, myself included, who don't feel like there were that many obstacles along the way (relative to others) and life has been mostly good for much of the journey to date.
I think of my grandmother living through the depression eating only what her and my grampa could catch on their trap line. I know her frugal ways and terrible eating habits came from living through the lean years. Yet my grandmother got her teaching degree and taught in Hutterite colonies and First Nations schools throughout Alberta in spite of the challenges. She could tan a hide, create patterns for all of their clothes, sew and bead and make something out of nothing. She was musical and artistic which didn't seem to fit with the bossy, practical woman I mostly remember. She was the link that held together many family members, travelling from one end of our country to the other, sleeping in the back of her pickup truck with the homemade purple canopy. There wasn't a small town in any of our provinces where she didn't know someone and she made sure she kept in touch with all of them. That frugal woman never paid for a place to stay as long as I knew her :). My gramma passed away many years ago and I wish now I had had the foresight to ask her how she managed to live such a full life in a time when women were mostly seen as the ones who held down the homefront.
I think of my mother, having been raised by a woman ahead of her time and wonder how that impacted the decisions my mother made. It has taken me a long time to understand some of the things my mom endured and survived. She is a private person and communication between us has never been open or addressed any aspect of life that might be deemed emotional. I see in my mom's life that some of her responses were intentionally made because they went against my Gramma's beliefs - she clearly had a strong desire to be her own woman. It is interesting to me that both my grandmother and my mother married men who were prone to drink and yet they were men who cooked and cleaned and contributed around the house, an oddity in their time.
I think of my own life. I was married at 18 to my high school sweetheart. My first baby was born when I was 18, my second at 20. My husband was at university and for the most part I stayed home with my babies. I will be eternally grateful that this was possible. I had no desires, no big plans for my future and life seemed easy and full in spite of our financial challenges. Motherhood was my calling and everything that came later in life was just the icing on the cake. That's not to say there weren't challenges. As I look back over those years I am proud of the way Bob and I both just took life as it came. Our kids will tell you that we made mistakes, lots of them, but we made them with the best of intentions. I truly believe we did our best with what we had at the time and considering our young age when we married we have come through with shining colours.
I think of my mother, having been raised by a woman ahead of her time and wonder how that impacted the decisions my mother made. It has taken me a long time to understand some of the things my mom endured and survived. She is a private person and communication between us has never been open or addressed any aspect of life that might be deemed emotional. I see in my mom's life that some of her responses were intentionally made because they went against my Gramma's beliefs - she clearly had a strong desire to be her own woman. It is interesting to me that both my grandmother and my mother married men who were prone to drink and yet they were men who cooked and cleaned and contributed around the house, an oddity in their time.
I think of my own life. I was married at 18 to my high school sweetheart. My first baby was born when I was 18, my second at 20. My husband was at university and for the most part I stayed home with my babies. I will be eternally grateful that this was possible. I had no desires, no big plans for my future and life seemed easy and full in spite of our financial challenges. Motherhood was my calling and everything that came later in life was just the icing on the cake. That's not to say there weren't challenges. As I look back over those years I am proud of the way Bob and I both just took life as it came. Our kids will tell you that we made mistakes, lots of them, but we made them with the best of intentions. I truly believe we did our best with what we had at the time and considering our young age when we married we have come through with shining colours.
I wonder how the decisions I made and the way I lived my life have impacted our own children. I know that some things I did as a parent will never make it to the next generation. I would be curious to know what my kids would have to say about that question. But, it is one I will never ask them as I do not want them second guessing whether I am questioning their methods or decisions. The one luxury I had in raising my children was not ever having anyone close enough around to judge my day to day decisions. The cost of that was never having any support either though. My kids were my kids 24/7 and it NEVER felt like a burden (well, except for that one time I wanted to run away from home, but just for a weekend, when Carrie and Kelly were around 3 months old).
I watch my kids parent their kids now and I realize how much better I could have done, in so many ways. But, in the moment, I did my best and I did it with love. They are, and always have been, and always will be, the best of me.
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