Sisters

My sister and I have always been different, right from the start.  But let me begin there.

For the first few years of my life I was a middle child.  More than that I was a girl between two boys.  I grew up tough, learned to look up to my big brother and look after my little one.  This went on for a few years and then lo and behold, I was no longer the middle child nor the only girl.

I don't remember much of my mother's pregnancy (other than she almost doubled her weight).  What I do remember is the day she brought home my little sister.  I was mesmerized by how tiny she was and I clearly remember bringing out my 'walking doll' Annie and measuring her up against my sister over and over again.  It just didn't seem right to me that my doll was bigger than my sister.  She was born in May which was great because it wouldn't be long before summer holidays began and I could spend more time with her.  We grew up in a family where "I Love You's' and hugs and kisses were never heard or felt.  I think we were loved, at least I never thought I wasn't but I also don't remember anyone ever treating me in a tender and loving way.  I must have thought it should be different because I clearly enjoyed holding and looking after our new little bundle.  For a few years I thought she was mine to take care of; holding her little pink fingers and doing whatever it took to make her smile.  I held her and I fed her and I took her into the room and closed the door when the fighting got too loud. 

My dad was a drinker and my mom was tired.  At some point my mom decided she had had enough and packed up my brothers and my sister in the middle of the night and moved us to another city. We moved from a house to an apartment and trust me, we were not kids meant to live in an apartment.  My mom found a babysitter for my little sister during the day while we were at school.  When we came home that babysitter treated us quite meanly.  I remember being told to get on my knees about a foot away from the wall and would spend long periods of time here.  I was never an angel but I don't remember what I did to deserve the punishment, I just remember my knees hurting and my back hurting.  But most of all, I remember her slapping my baby sister for crying.  I have always had a very strong sense of right and wrong and have never been afraid to speak up when wrong happens.  I  remember feeling so angry and helpless and afraid all at the same time but I spoke up.  I told my mom and that babysitter was gone.  My sister was safe again.

This really is the last time I remember being her 'protector'.  We moved back in with my dad at the end of the year and things moved on.  I was in school all day and my sister was with her babysitter (Mrs. Letawski).  When we got home from school we had chores to do, games to play and most of our time was spent outdoors.  My sister didn't come home until my mom or dad picked her up after they came home from work and we spent less and less time together.

As my sister grew up it became apparent that we were different personalities with different interests.  While we shared a room right from the beginning, as she grew she became tidier and I didn't.  While I cleaned my side of the room by throwing things under the bed and in the closet, she organized and straightened the way my mom intended.  It was a good thing there were no label makers in those days as I'm sure she (like my oldest daughter) would have had everything in our room labelled.  I remember how frustrated she was with having to share a room with such a slob and I clearly remember those days where my little sister drew a line down the middle of the room (just like my twins) and set the rules for who could be where and whose 'stuff' could would go where.

I was at an age where I swam and played ball and ran with the neighborhood boys.  I was an outside kid and had a hard time being 'still' and following all of the rules.  I wasn't bad, I just wasn't good.  My sister, on the other hand, was very rule-oriented (for the time being ;) and it was during this time that our lives became quite separate. 

We moved to Comox after grade 8.  I hated my parents for moving us.  Well, until I saw Comox.  Sports and being outside took up every spare minute of my time. I was in junior high and my sister was in elementary school.  During these years my older brother became closer with my sister as I became more distant.  She didn't seem to enjoy the things I enjoyed and with the age difference we didn't spend so much time together. 

When Bob and I started going out we did more with my sister than I had done in years.  I remember playing board games with her and one very memorable trip to the PNE (remember that roller coaster?).  During these years I went to school, played a lot of sports and worked.  I started to challenge my parents a little and really, I didn't come home until later in the evenings.  My brothers were also busier during these years and my sister spent a lot of time with my parents.

I married at 18 and those 10 years I had with my sister were gone in a flash.  In looking back I think how hard it must have been on her as both of my brothers and myself left home within 18 months of each other.  We all moved away and my sister was left alone, really as an only child.  When I look at her face in my wedding pictures, there weren't too many smiles.  I know when my son was born she had no interest in him at all.  Really, who could blame her?  Her world had changed in the blink of an eye.  Only when we're older do we understand how little control kids have over the worlds that they live in. With no technology like today and long distance calls being expensive we never really spoke much, my parents or my sister and I.  We had a few visits in those early days as she came to visit us in Gold River and Victoria.  All of those pictures are filled with smiles and I remember each time she left I felt sad.  When my parents got posted back to Alberta I had this great fear that I would never see any of them again and I felt very alone.  I was 20 with two children, no money and now, no family other than my own.  My sister seemed to grow closer and closer to my parents, especially my mom as my dad was often away.  In the  years since I have been gone from home my parents have called me 5 or 6 times.  I had no money to call them. I know my older brother has spoken often of the communication gaps in our family.  We've never been much at sharing our lives with each other. 

For me, part of this was that we were raised to be independent.  "You made your bed, now you can lie in it" was a mantra in my growing up years.  When I became pregnant at 18 my parents would have been (and in fact were) the last people we told.  My dad stated over and over that if I had any problems I wasn't to come running home.  My sister happened to be part of that world where I didn't feel I could turn to during those very challenging years and our relationship has never really recovered from it.

I always saw my sister as being more a child to my parents than my brothers and I ever were.  Their marriage was more solid (not solid, but more solid) in those years after the separation.  When my brothers and I left home there would certainly have been significantly more money, which had always been a problem.  I remember my sister camping and travelling around the island with my mom and dad.  I remember her being a comfort to my mom when my dad was away. 

As I look back now, at my own children growing up, I know that my mom and dad would have been much more conscious of the time they had left with my sister as she grew up.  They have played a big role in the lives of my sister's children and have stayed close together, living in nearby towns. 

When my sister asked me to write this blog I wondered why.  I am hoping it is because she would like a closer relationship with me.  I'm sure some of it has to do with knowing more about herself as she grew up.  I wonder as I read through this if it was what she was hoping for.  What I do know is that we all see the world through our own experiences and it's a tricky business sharing memories as they are never the same.  After a visit with my brother a few years ago he wondered if we had even grown up in the same house.  So Bev, if this leaves  you with questions or thoughts you want to talk about more, let me know.  From all I know of you I know that you are thoughtful, caring, sometimes insecure and that you love your family more than anything.  In the end, we're more alike than different :)  I love you!

Corona Virus (Covo-19)

Corona Virus (Covo-19)

So here we are, March 13, 2020.  All major sports are cancelled, all concerts, plays and classes cancelled.  University classes to to online instruction.  It is recommended that people not travel outside of Canada and there is talk of closing the US border as Washington State is a hot spot for the virus.  People are hoarding toilet paper and hand sanitizer and the sad, sad situation of scalpers selling  much-needed goods is becoming an issue.  Line-ups at grocery stores are a reality and empty streets and public gathering places are a stark contrast to those line-ups.  We are in a situation where gatherings of over 250 are banned and people are being encouraged to self-isolate, not only when sick but to avoid getting sick.

So here we are.  65+ and in an age group advised to be more vigilant than younger folks.  So, vigilant we are.  We are not anxious.  We are not overly concerned.  But we are also not taking any unnecessary chances and will follow all of the guidelines suggested.

We have permission to slow down our lives.  We have permission to spend more time with our immediate family.  We are encouraged to get outside and go for a walk and get some fresh air.  Perhaps this is a gift for those whose lives are so busy they don't have any other chances to do exactly what is necessary to keep this virus from spreading.  In Italy people who are in isolation are leaning out over their balconies and singing traditional folk songs together.  This is the way to be 'together' in our isolation.  

March 17

Things are escalating.  No groups of more than 50 allowed.  Canadian borders closed to all non-Canadians (and US citizens).  Washington State is a hotbed for the virus so British Columbians are quite worried about the border being open to US citizens.  Schools in all provinces are closed except B.C. at this time but there will be an announcement later today and we are all expecting the same thing here. The hospitals have cancelled all elective surgery and are preparing for the next couple of weeks where the spike is expected.  People are still hoarding but there are many good news stories as well.  All bars and restaurants are to be closed for St. Patrick's day but I am sure people will find a way to celebrate and am curious to see how creative they can get :). Our family group-skyped last night and it was hilarious.  Bob (and I) are proud of how creative our kids are and how they seem to be needing to connect to each other at this time.  I was glad to see UBC had finally shut down as well.  Up until yesterday Carrie was going to work.  

In general, I am not having any problems staying 'socially distant' but then it has only been a few days.  As long as the weather is nice I will be riding my bike and doing some hikes with Bob.  Our yard is needing some spring work and I have lots of books and crafts to keep me busy.  Our food supply is good and the stores, in spite of peoples' posts on FB, seem to be fairly well stocked and we do have an egg stand next door, local meat sales and veggie stands as well.  We are fortunate to be Canadians!

I am beginning to have difficulty watching the news, particularly those stations who seem to need to sensationalize every story.  Dr. Bonnie Henry (Chief Medical Officer for B.C.) and Adrian Dix (Minister of Health) have done an excellent job of keeping us all up to date in a very calm, factual manner.  Once they are done their reports I am not interested in hearing reporter's ridiculous questions, particularly the ones that start with, "In hindsight, would you . . . " I find the second-guessing insulting to our medical professionals and feel that much of what is on the news is repetitive and irritating so need to walk away and find something else to do when it gets to that point.

The sun has shone the last two days and that has made all the difference.  Being able to get out on my bike for a couple of hours a day makes the day so much better.  Bob has also started on yard work and in the next few days I will begin preparing garden beds.

Today's news included the province announcing a Health Emergency in the province.  This give the Chief Medical Officer powers to make decisions she wasn't able to before.  All bars and restaurants were closed in order to keep people away from St. Patrick's Day celebrations.  Bars will remain closed until further notice and restaurants have turned mostly to take out and pick up with very few  having inside seating.  If they do have inside seating tables must be more than 6 feet apart and no more than 50 people allowed inside.

The bigger announcement was that all schools will be closed until further notice.  This decision was predictable with BC being the only province in Canada that had not made this decision as public schools are currently on spring break.  

I cannot begin to say how grateful I am for our life situation at the moment.  So many people being laid off and businesses having to shut their doors.  There will be many, many people unable to make ends meet.  The government will step in to support people but I doubt it will be enough.  Our pensions are good and my pay will continue through until the end of the school year.  The kids will all be fine as well and we are in a situation to help if need be.  We have enough food and supplies to last us quite a while.  Stores seem to be fairly well stocked at the moment and there is no official concern although there seem to be many people hoarding.  I am sure there is a lot of stress out there.

The predictions are that we are just on the doorstep of the escalation here in Canada.  We will keep to ourselves and continue to make the best of the situation.  The next couple of weeks will be an ever evolving situation for the government and for businesses and industries.

March 22 Update

Well, the borders are closed to all but essential traffic.  All Canadian citizens were ordered home and those that are able are moving quickly to get back into Canada.  All restaurants and bars are closed to clients coming inside.  Many of the restaurants are doing their best to stay in business by providing take-out food.  This is working well here in Agassiz, particularly with Lori's Catering and The Broken Whisk.  Playgrounds all have yellow caution tape around them and Harrison Hot Springs and Cultus Lake have barricaded off the entrances to their communities to keep tourists out.  White Rock pier is considering the same actions. So many people have been outside enjoying the sunshine and warmth of the last few days but are completely ignoring the warnings to keep 6 feet apart from each other.  The road to Lindeman Lake in Chilliwack had cars lined up along the road for miles and this is a trail that has many parts where only one hiker can pass at a time - the same is true at The Chief in Squamish where everyone going up must use the same ladder.  I passed by Super Valu today and people were lined up along the sidewalk leaving plenty of space between them.  Apparently they are only letting in 10 people at a time.

On a more positive note, our family has learned to use a group link so we can all talk as a group.  The kiddies are loving this one and even connected for a dance party yesterday.  The kids all seem to be doing very well and are enjoying this time at home with arts, crafts, puzzles, games and lots of walks in the great outdoors.  There is a bit of a movement here where children are posting messages and hearts in their windows and drawing art work on the sidewalks for people to enjoy.  It is heart-warming to see this taking off. 

The weather has been very good the last few days and this has allowed us to get out for walks and bike rides.  Bob has done a lot of yard work including mowing the lawn for the first time this year. The rain is coming but we are stocked up with books and I have enough art supplies to keep me going for quite a while.

The numbers of people having the virus in BC has continued to climb steadily.  We have had 10 deaths due to the virus, all coming from a seniors' home in Vancouver.  My mom and dad are confined to their building - no going in and out.  They get all of their meals in the facility they are in so have no reason, other than just to get out, to go anywhere.  Still, if it was me, the not being allowed would be very hard. They are strange times.

Today is April 6 - three weeks into this pandemic.  As you can see from the numbers , we are lucky to be living in British Columbia.  Experts believe that our later spring break has helped us tremendously. Many families, including ours, did not travel prior to the outbreak as families in Ontario and Quebec had.  Their spring break came before the pandemic hit Canada and it is believed many travellers returned from holidays carrying the pandemic with them.

Province, territory or other	Number of confirmed cases	Number of probable cases	Number of deaths
Canada	15,496	16	280

British Columbia

1,203

0

38

Quebec	7,944	0	94
Ontario	4,038	0	119

This is the norm for us now.  We do not have direct contact with any of our family.  We have had a couple of walks with Jason and Lizzie while keeping the recommended 2 meters apart.  We cannot walk with Kelly and her family as the kids are not able to understand that we cannot pick them up, especially Riley and Layla.  We have seen them through the window and the door as we drop things off at their house.  Christine, Marc, Kai, Nico, Derran, Carrie and Austen, we have all had chat times face to face on the computer.  We do not know how long this will go on - likely through the next couple of months.

We buy groceries once a week unless something is necessary.  The weather has not been good so we have not been outside much.  Bob goes for a walk or a bike ride most days but I am having trouble getting outside when it is so cold and windy.  Yesterday, April 5 we had snow for much of the day - heavy at times and always windy.  It did not stick but still hard to watch through the window as we hunkered down for another day.

All non-essential businesses are closed.  Restaurants have gone to take out only and our local restaurants have been very good about sharing meals with people who are struggling financially at this time.  Many, many people have lost their jobs as businesses close.  The government has, in my opinion done a terrific job of getting financial support to people as quickly as they can.  Again, I cannot stress how fortunate our family is to be working in jobs that are paying them through this situation.  Derran and Brady continue to go into work while Marc works from home.  Carrie is at UBC who is continuing to pay them and the rest of us are teachers, working from home.

The education situation is very confusing at the moment.  Teachers are working extremely hard to find ways to get lessons/activities to their students.  Many are using online platforms to deliver actual lessons while others, especially elementary schools, are using the platforms more to connect with their students and families.  Administrators are working from the schools and seem to be on call 24/7 at this time.  We will see how this works.  Many families are finding the education piece just one more stress at a time when they are financially strapped and, for the most part, housebound.

I Travel to Address My Ignorance

Somewhere online I read these words, "I travel to address my ignorance."  I wish I knew where I had read it and who to attribute the words to because it sure got me thinking.  While I am not a fan of the word 'ignorance' I am a fan of learning more about myself and the world around me and I have to agree that the word might fit.

 

In each of the pictures above I happen to be in circumstances that I believed were beyond my capabilities.  I sell myself short often on what I am able to do physically.  I have always been an active person but as I have aged and my knees have put limits on what I am capable of I have lost some of the confidence that came easily in my younger years.  The waterfall walk in Costa Rica (top left) was hard and had I known how hard I probably wouldn't have signed up.  But, I was on an adventure and because of that I didn't want to miss out on anything.  I am so glad I did this.  The same was true of my recent hike in Italy.  In the end, it was the hard that made it such an accomplishment.  In New Zealand (bottom left) I didn't have doubts about riding the Otago Rail Trail but sunstroke hit me one day and it took ALL of Bob's constant encouragement and patience to get me through that ride.  In the end though, I did something I thought I was not able to.  With the kayaking, I believed I could do it (Bob had doubts :) ) and I did.  These situations play out differently when I am at home and so it is good that the travelling keeps teaching me these lessons over and over again. I travel to address my ignorance.

Bali taught me a different lesson.  Bali taught me that you don't have to have so any things to be happy.  The people in Bali may be the happiest people I have met in my travels.  Mostly they live with little (relative to my life at home) and yet it doesn't appear affect their lives.  When we came home from Bali it was necessary for us to downsize our home and reduce our stuff - somehow it all seemed just a little obscene after witnessing the sheer joy and happiness of the people we met on our journeys around this beautiful place.  The kitchen on the left feed a family of 14 (3 generations) on a daily basis.  No stainless steel, no natural gas, no tile floors or quartz countertops, no pantry and no custom cabinets and yet, day after day, this kitchen provides for 14.  Contentment doesn't come from 'having'.  Of course I know this, I've heard it thousands of times but somehow the lesson became real on this trip - I travel to address my ignorance.

 

On our first trip to Mexico many years ago we stayed in a very nice resort.  That very nice resort backed onto an empty lot and in that lot lived a family.  Their home consisted of a broken down car with odds and ends of cardboard and plastic set up around it to enclose their space.  Our two youngest daughters were with us on this trip and this was the first time they had witnessed real poverty.  They couldn't believe someone lived under those conditions.  It made our 'holiday' a little less enjoyable knowing we were living out our dreams while the people living in the car could to afford a home.  I travel to address my ignorance.

On a barge and bike trip along the Danube we passed through 4 countries (Germany, Austria, Hungary and Slovakia).  On a dreary, wet day we rode our bikes through the little town of Vac in Hungary.  There was a local market in the small town square so we got off our bikes and walked through the old streets to get there.  I have not been in a town that felt so depressed before.  Most of the buildings were extremely old and in poor repair.  There was just a sadness here that I haven't felt before.  The market was small and was for the local people.  No one spoke English and to be honest, I felt that we were invading there space/lives.  I made eye contact with this woman and gestured to her that I would like to take a picture ( I never photo people without their approval).  She gave me a nod and then  shifted her eyes away.  In that moment I recognized a lifetime of hardship.  These people have had generations of hardship and challenges and it is reflected in their town and in their faces.  I am always grateful to be a Canadian and in this moment it became clear that I had never, and would never, face the kinds of challenges that these people have faced.  I travel to address my ignorance.

From Cinque Terre to Polignano A Mare!

Today is our last day in Italy.  We started our trip in Cinque Terre, a recommendation made to us by our son-in-law several years ago.  Thanks Marc for the hot tip - it was amazing.  We swam and walked and hiked and drank wine by the sea.  Each of the five towns had its own flavour and we enjoyed all of them, including the 382 steps up to Corniglia and the amazing hike between Vernazza and Monterosso.  The dip in the sea following the hike will be a highlight as was the hike itself.  Our cooking class (okay, we made pesto so no real 'cooking' involved) at the Nessun Dorma restaurant in Manarola.  This also came highly recommended to thanks to those people who tipped us off.  We will be hard pressed to find another such beautiful collection of villages along the Italian coast.

From Riamaggiore it was on to the old town of Siena.  We spent 6 nights here exploring old Siena itself and heading out to the castles and forts all around us.  We could have spent a few months here and not seen all there was to see.  What will stick with me from this area are the rolling hills full of grape vines, olive trees and the hilltop castles which appear everywhere.  We explored as many as we could and often caught glimpses of Robin Hood or Braveheart or history lessons from our middle school years of peasants, landowners and lords.  Stone walls, cobblestone streets and it seemed a "Museum of Torture" in every one of them.  Each village had its own 'town square' anchored by an enormous church.  Men ruled the day in the public squares and the language of Italy surrounded us everywhere, even in the most touristy of areas.

From the city of Sienna to the countryside of Ripostena.  Sienna was busy with much to see and experience so we were happy to get off the beaten track deep out in the rolling hills at a beautiful villa.  Casa Vecchio was our home and it was set amongst olive orchards and vineyards.

We walked up and down the hillsides, enjoyed amazing sunsets and swam, read and relaxed.  It was perfect!

We made our way from the countryside back to the airport at Pisa, boarded the train and headed to the east coast and the much less touristy area of Puglia.  We were so impressed with our trullo, both inside and out.  The pool was cold but we were in and out of it constantly during our time there.

We were pleasantly surprised to find such a wonderful town here as we had thought we were out in the country.  Locorotondo was so beautiful and was just the right size to explore a little bit every day. We walked up through the olive trees and then took the stairs (so many stairs!) through the vineyards up to the village.  The piazza was the place to be and there were plenty of small restaurants, gift shops and a couple of grocery stores.  We were definitely out of the touristy area and found fewer people who spoke English in this area.

I think the pictures tell the story.

 

Covid Times for This Gramma

 I am reading a lot of articles and listening to my own family and am hearing all around me how hard young families are finding these difficult times.  Routines are all out of whack, bedtimes are more challenging and just being together 24/7 is grinding families down.  This article on 'Surge Capacity' sums it all up, reflects what I am hearing and is well worth the read;  https://www.scarymommy.com/what-it-means-surge-capacity-depleted/?utm_source=FBIP&fbclid=IwAR2fUxtQf7ltzQF58PzQAlfUINY7syD-jRUg1iMJXyYYBzh3GVNkNiDvi0k

Not much of this article rings true though for this retired Gramma. My routines involve slow mornings, afternoon walks or bike rides, time in my art room, good books and the odd Netflix binge.  I have been doing a lot of baking and now that fall is just around the corner I am anticipating lots of home made bread and soups and stews.

What I am missing is my family, social gatherings, planning (trips, concerts, family gatherings etc.) and long hugs from good friends.  I am also missing some solitude.  Alone time.  I mean really ALONE.  This need for space and time alone is not something I even thought about when my family was young and the house was full of busy-ness and noise and yes, the mess that comes with having four kids.  It seems the more time I have to just sit and think, the more I need.  The more time I have to journal and write, the more time I need. The more time I have alone, the more I need.

My husband is terrific.  I am a slow morning person and he knows this.  I know his long morning walks and bike rides are as much about giving me some space as they are about him getting his exercise.  Or maybe, he just needs to get away from me. He is good at sensing when I need space and is very thoughtful about doing his best to provide that in our little home. His shop has been well used these past few months and our grandkids have benefited from his time spent there. He is aware of my needs and is thoughtful about respecting those needs.

In Anne Morrow Lindbergh's Gift From the Sea, she writes, "Women need solitude in order to find again the true essence of themselves." This is where I am at right now.  I need some time alone to sort out my thoughts, to just sit and be and maybe to write and paint. Given my health scare in May I am still processing the fact that I made it back from the dark side and what this means to me and to those who love me. My body and soul are still recovering even though I look perfectly fine on the outside.  I really do want to spend some time figuring out, as Mary Oliver states, "Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life." This is an especially important question given the times.  What I would do with this life in non-covid times would always involve travel, international travel.  Covid times make this a different sort of planning and involves really investigating the risks.

It is also important to remind myself that 'this too shall pass'.  There will be a day, whenever that comes, when life will take on a sense of 'normal' again.  I am just as sure that 'normal' will have to be reinvented. At any rate, I am a hugger and can't wait to feel arms around me squeezing hard, especially wee arms and family arms but also the hugs of good friends and old friends and friends I've yet to meet.  Stay in the moment, make the most of what the world has to offer during these challenging times but also, keep an eye to the future and the gifts that it will bring.

Blue days . . .

Blue days . . . 

Every once in a while, for no apparent reason, the blues descend upon me.  That's what's happening today.  I know that Covid is wearing people down and I suppose some of my lethargy is coming from months and months of social isolation.  I also struggle during these rainy, grey days.  Thankfully, we have had more sunshine than normal for this time of year.

I had a restless night.  I don't remember my dreams from last night but I remember there were many and that I had to wake myself up to stop the feeling of urgency bordering on panic.  Those kinds of dreams always leave me with a bit of a dull headache and that's not a nice way to start the day.

One of the pleasures of being retired is being able to have a leisurely start to my day.  I often get up and putter around the house tidying etc and then settle in to catch up with the day's happenings..  I used to love reading the morning paper, it always felt like such a quiet way to step into the day.  I could skim over the negative headlines and settle into the stories that really interested me.  News comes to us in so many other ways these days.  I have to admit, I most often try NOT to watch the news these days.  For one thing, all of the boxes on the screen are SO distracting - there is SO much going on that I find it hard to focus and mostly, the news isn't good news so no morning news for me.


The clouds are breaking a little so perhaps it's time to get on my bike so I can turn my attention to my sore butt and burning legs.  A little distraction is what I need. So glad to live in a country where my choices are many, a thought that comes to me often during these days of isolation and fear.  

Life As It Comes

Wondering. . . 

The longer I experience life the more often I am set to wondering about life's twists and turns.  Are we like dandelion fluff in the wind, going in whichever direction happens to catch us up as we leave the mother plant?

I read a lot of stories today of women who have overcome the most challenging starts in life and yet have found their way to happiness.  I know a lot of women who had a good start in life and the challenges came later.  I know many women, myself included, who don't feel like there were that many obstacles along the way (relative to others) and life has been mostly good for much of the journey to date.

I think of my grandmother living through the depression eating only what her and my grampa could catch on their trap line.  I know her frugal ways and terrible eating habits came from living through the lean years.  Yet my grandmother got her teaching degree and taught in Hutterite colonies and First Nations schools throughout Alberta in spite of the challenges. She could tan a hide, create patterns for all of their clothes, sew and bead and make something out of nothing.  She was musical and artistic which didn't seem to fit with the bossy, practical woman I mostly remember.  She was the link that held together many family members, travelling from one end of our country to the other, sleeping in the back of her pickup truck with the homemade purple canopy.  There wasn't a small town in any of our provinces where she didn't know someone and she made sure she kept in touch with all of them.  That frugal woman never paid for a place to stay as long as I knew her :). My gramma passed away many years ago and I wish now I had had the foresight to ask her how she managed to live such a full life in a time when women were mostly seen as the ones who held down the homefront.

I think of my mother, having been raised by a woman ahead of her time and wonder how that impacted the decisions my mother made.  It has taken me a long time to understand some of the things my mom endured and survived.  She is a private person and communication between us has never been open or addressed any aspect of life that might be deemed emotional.  I see in my mom's life that some of her responses were intentionally made because they went against my Gramma's beliefs - she clearly had a strong desire to be her own woman.  It is interesting to me that both my grandmother and my mother married men who were prone to drink and yet they were men who cooked and cleaned and contributed around the house, an oddity in their time.


I think of my own life.  I was married at 18 to my high school sweetheart. My first baby was born when I was 18, my second at 20.  My husband was at university and for the most part I stayed home with my babies.  I will be eternally grateful that this was possible.  I had no desires, no big plans for my future and life seemed easy and full in spite of our financial challenges.  Motherhood was my calling and everything that came later in life was just the icing on the cake.  That's not to say there weren't challenges.  As I look back over those years I am proud of the way Bob and I both just took life as it came.  Our kids will tell you that we made mistakes, lots of them, but we made them with the best of intentions.  I truly believe we did our best with what we had at the time and considering our young age when we married we have come through with shining colours.

I wonder how the decisions I made and the way I lived my life have impacted our own children. I know that some things I did as a parent will never make it to the next generation.  I would be curious to know what my kids would have to say about that question.  But, it is one I will never ask them as I do not want them second guessing whether I am questioning their methods or decisions.  The one luxury I had in raising my children was not ever having anyone close enough around to judge my day to day decisions.  The cost of that was never having any support either though.  My kids were my kids 24/7 and it NEVER felt like a burden (well, except for that one time I wanted to run away from home, but just for a weekend, when Carrie and Kelly were around 3 months old).

I watch my kids parent their kids now and I realize how much better I could have done, in so many ways.  But, in the moment, I did my best and I did it with love.  They are, and always have been, and always will be, the best of me.

2021 From the Rear View Mirror

While we will all remember the catastrophes and limits that surrounded us in 2021 we must also celebrate the moments that kept us sane.  Amidst forest fires, heat domes, atmospheric rivers and devastating floods all under the bigger umbrella of the ever-evolving Covid pandemic, there were moments of joy and normalcy.

On New Year's Day  2021 Bob and I headed to Cultus Lake Golf Club to hit a few balls.  The weather was mild for January and following our outing to the driving range golf became a winter sport.  I joined a ladies group at Sandpiper Golf Course and often golfed a couple of times a week right through to the summer golf season. Being outdoors and able to socialize as we walked the fairways was a gift during these Covid times. The line I remember from Bob, "I don't remember ever wearing a toque golfing before."  It was great!

   

When school went back in January we returned to our Mondays With Layla.  This too was a gift during long stretches of not being able to see our family in person.  Layla is a live wire.  Every Monday included a walk on the beach or a walk in the woods - it was always Layla's choice.  Her ability to be IN nature, to squat down and really see affected the way I saw the world as well.  It is always eye-opening to be with a child in nature and her enthusiasm and energy were always infectious.  I love the image below where the two streams converged on their way to the lake.  I would not have noticed this if Layla had not been bent down checking it out.  I wanted to see what she was seeing, and I am so grateful I did.

She knows how to play in nature as well as how to just sit and soak it up.  We learned from her to do the same.